The Struggle to Choose.
Want to hear an embarrassing and cringe-worthy first-world problem that Mary-Ann and I have struggled with? I don’t know if it’s something all couples face, or whether it’s only reserved for the most ridiculous among us. But many tense conversations and arguments have stemmed from it, even the occasional need for a ‘time out’… It can’t just be us that butt heads over where we should go on our next adventure… Can it?
You may think that this is simply a case of us both having a preference, but failing to come to an agreement on it; the usual kind of tiff. But no, it’s far more ridiculous than that.
It boils down to me having a mind full of places I want to visit, reading books, watching videos, and generally obsessing over them. While Mary-Ann, also an avid travel lover, remains nearly entirely passive and prefers not to interfere with my geographical insanity. The thing is, I don’t want to always make the decisions. I want my partner-in-crime to have some input, so she can fulfil her fantasies too! But she refuses. So, we butt heads.
Impressively stupid, isn’t it? I’m quite embarrassed to have written it down actually. Maybe this will serve as some kind of therapy… That’s a thing, isn’t it?
The Compromise and the Trick
Nevertheless, for our honeymoon, after some grumbling, silent treatment, and a few fistfights, we managed to agree that Mary-Ann would pick the destination and I would handle the planning – a good compromise, because we are a highly effective married couple… cough, cough.
Well, I’m telling you, I was duped, hoodwinked, beguiled, and bamboozled! Some real skulduggery by my own brand-new wife. When I found out, I must say I wondered if I could get a refund or swap her for another model. Sadly, it turns out marriage doesn’t come with a return policy or even a warranty!
It turned out, ‘Mary-Ann the Sneak’, as she will be known henceforth, just chose a country at random on the map without even a second thought! As much as I respect and admire the gung-ho and carefree approach, it meant that her side of the bargain had literally taken less than a minute. Just the length of time required to open Google Maps and zoom to a random spot… But what was even more annoying was that she absolutely smashed it!
A Perfect Choice
Whether it was luck or some kind of sixth sense, Mary-Ann somehow chose a country I had never heard of, that somehow also turned out to be an absolutely perfect place for a honeymoon. Or perhaps it was a carefully planned ruse to make me feel even more like an idiot… Either way, she’s a sneak, I say!
A bit about Belize then. It’s a small country on Caribbean Coast and home to the second-largest coral barrier reef in the world, trumped only by the Great Barrier Reef in the land down under. The reef stretches nearly the entire length of the country, which is 170 miles from top to bottom – quite a lot of coral! But that isn’t all Belize has going for it. There is also a remarkable concentration of ancient Mayan ruins, heritage sites, and nature reserves, all crammed into such a dinky little place. And all of this is accessible from one coastal road – whoever invented coastal roads deserves a medal.
Our Belize Itinerary
Punta Gorda
One thing to note, is that Belize City, which is not the capital, is a complete dump and I do not advise anyone to stay there. The same thing can be said for the actual capital, Belmopan. So, upon arrival into Belize city, after a painful connecting flight in LAX (damn American airports), we got straight on a bus and headed all the way down south to Punta Gorda. It’s the last proper town before everything becomes jungle or Guatemala. The bus ride cost about £40 per person and took four hours, with one change, although I can’t recall where…
Once there, we discovered that we were the only foreign tourists in the entire area, which was both charming and unnerving. This exclusivity also meant that my carefully curated plan to visit the idyllic Snake Cayes suddenly became face-meltingly expensive, as we had to charter a private boat for the tour, costing us about £250! Belize, by the way, is not cheap. We found ourselves saying, “Well, it is our honeymoon, after all!” far too often. Despite burning holes in our pockets faster than we could have imagined, the islands and coral were absolutely stunning. While snorkeling, I even managed to lock eyes with a pelican as it scanned the depths for fish. The poor thing was probably quite shocked to see an ape-like blob waving at it from below. After that, we enjoyed freshly BBQ’d jerk chicken on a deserted island overrun with hermit crabs, some as big as your fist!
I should mention that this excursion marked the end of my hair. You could call it, ‘The Last Hairrah’… A combination of tangled goggles, scalp burn, and unflattering photos convinced me to march home and break out the shears. It was time – A Bald Bloke was born.
We didn’t just head south for the islands; I also arranged a stay in a treehouse in the Blue Creek jungle for New Year’s Eve. Which seemed like a fantastic idea, until we realised we were once again the only guests there, and the poor guy managing the place had to remain on duty instead of being with his family. Whoops! But, despite this, we all stayed up together, welcoming the New Year with the cacophony of forest sounds, insect bites, coconuts, and ‘Travellers rum‘. It was a brilliant evening, although I paid the price the next day with a legendary hangover, desperately trying to keep the chunder dragon at bay while trekking and navigating underwater caves in total darkness. Mary-Ann absolutely loved every moment of it; not a single negative word escaped her lips, I assure you. Three action packed days, catered in the jungle came in at about £300, not including the taxi to get there, which was about £60… A lot of money, but it was our honeymoon after all!
Hopkins
After all that, the coastal road proved invaluable once more, swiftly delivering us to Hopkins in just a couple of hours… Albeit with a hefty £100 taxi fare. We could have attempted to catch a bus, but they were exceedingly infrequent, and we had only two weeks!
With a brilliantly Caribbean feel, Hopkins was a refreshing nugget of respite from the sweaty jungle treks and lingering hangovers. Picture the quintessential scene; a long stretch of white sand backed by palm trees, a smattering of hostels and a good choice of restaurants. All of it infused with the vibrant colours of the Creole culture. Prepare yourself for your inaugural ‘Panty Ripper’ experience, the local rum-punch cocktail, and rather rowdy evenings with the locals. We enjoyed an amusing evening of people-watching, which included a rather surreal scene featuring an extremely inebriated American expat, a Belizean dwarf, and a rather irate local singer. Quite the experience!
(Kidding! Sorry, Mary-Ann)
Hopkins is also an excellent base for accessing the ‘Cockscomb Basin’ nature reserve. Its amusing name alone piqued my interest, but it’s also jam-packed with wildlife, including Jaguars! Boringly, we managed to avoid becoming snacks for a big cat and didn’t even catch a glimpse of one. Instead, we went for a leisurely float down a jungle river, having rented a rubber ring each for about £4. It was great fun, though a bit uncomfortable in the shallower areas, which left my buttocks somewhat tenderized afterward.
San Ignacio
A few chilled days later, we took a short-ish bus from Hopkins to Belmopan, then another onward to San Ignacio – the hub for all things ancient and Mayan. It’s a neat and tidy, albeit simple, little town that offers a tonne of absolutely fantastic tours. Which was good timing, because by this point we had completely given up on keeping track of our expenditure, deciding to ‘stop thinking’ and just pay for everything we wanted: Tikal, Caracol, and the ATM cave. Each was truly spectacular! Note, Tikal is actually in Guatemala, so you have to cross the border to see it, which our tour guide handled for us. I highly recommend all of these day trips, but know that when we went in 2019/20, each one cost about £100 per person… Yikes! But, as I may have mentioned, it was our honeymoon, after all.
Each excursion was genuinely worth every penny! However, if you are on a tighter budget, San Ignacio has more accessible Mayan ruins that are also totally jaw-dropping. Some are within walking distance, and others are just a short taxi ride away. You can also hire a car in town, but I wouldn’t recommend it because it’s expensive, and some of the roads are quite, well, un-road-like.
Caye Caulker
From San Ignacio, we took a bus straight to Belize City, then a taxi to the port, where we caught a boat to our last stop – Caye Caulker. Which is probably the main tourist attraction of Belize; a Caribbean-style party island with some incredible coral reefs not too far offshore! It’s a great place, though you do need to accept the high volume of American tourists; I mean both in terms of literal volume and in quantity. They flock there like a honking gaggle of drunken geese!
There’s a slew of different snorkelling trips to choose from on the island, including an option to visit the Blue Hole, which is quite the natural wonder! But you do need to be prepared to spend an arm and a leg to get there for the experience, which also includes a minimum two-hour boat ride each way. In hindsight, I do wonder if we should have done it… But, for less money and crucially, in the same amount of time, we visited multiple sites and saw plenty of amazing things. A good rule of thumb is that a days worth or snorkelling in the ‘accessible’ snorkelling spots, will set you back about £100 per head. Everything in Belize is about £100 per head it seems…
For the sake of transparency – and to ensure you don’t think I just say everything we did was amazing – I have to mention our half-day ‘Manatee Tour,’ which was an utter waste of money. I wouldn’t recommend it unless you enjoy squinting at underwater shadows and distant glistening nostrils. Your time is better spent back on Caye Caulker, necking a few Panty Rippers and feasting on ten-dollar street lobster. Yes, you read that right – the street food in Caye Caulker is lobster! Enough said. Go to Caye Caulker.
Reflections on Our Honeymoon
Right, so what was I trying to get at again?
Oh yeah, now I remember – We chose Belize for our honeymoon completely randomly, but luckily it ended up being the best choice we could have made! Well, the best choice Mary-Ann (the sneak) could have made. The country has everything you could want, and it’s pretty darn compact, so you can explore it in two weeks without the need for painful night buses or internal flights. Also, they’re quite particular about their water, so it’s safe to drink. And I forgot to mention that the English is excellent! The only drawback is the cost; it is a super pricey place, and I’ve not even mentioned accommodation, which is no exception! We actually vowed never to tally up the damage we did… So in all, you have really got to go there! But, perhaps save it for your own honeymoon!
Stay bald folks.
Toodles,
Jack
