Madeira at a Glance: An Island of Oddities
Madeira is a bit weird really… A small Portuguese volcanic archipelago that’s thoroughly European in culture and character, but oddly, it sits on the African tectonic plate, closer to Morocco than anywhere else. The industrious 15th-century Portuguese folk were the first to inhabit it. Before then, it was just an island filled with gangs of wild Madeira-wine goblins, frolicking in the ocean mists and prancing through endless vibrant flowers. Well, maybe not the goblins, but you get the idea – it was completely devoid of human life before the Portuguese arrived!
These days, Madeira is known for its lush banana plantations, which you can spot everywhere as you walk around the island. But do watch your step; you don’t want to squash any of the countless little brown lizards that scurry everywhere. You can hear the bushes and undergrowth rustling as you walk by. You may even feel the hundreds of tiny beady eyes staring at you from every nook and cranny…
Oh, and here’s a fun fact: Madeira runs on Greenwich Mean Time. So even though you’re basically in Africa, there’s no need to worry about jet lag! Which is quite convenient, but despite that, and what its reputation may suggest, I didn’t find it to be particularly overrun with old crumbly people while I was there – at least not by my standards!
It is a bit weird though, but only in good ways!
How We Navigated Madeira: Lessons in Logistics and Hills
Given Madeira’s size, nowhere on the island is more than a day trip away. We kept things simple by renting a car from the airport and settling into a lovely hotel in Funchal, the capital. It was super easy and quick, but we quickly learned a couple of lessons the hard way:
1. Read the Fine Print: Pay close attention to the car hire terms. We got hit with several additional insurance fees that the company claimed were unavoidable. In reality, we could have opted for different insurance options that required less upfront cost.
2. Check Parking Options: Make sure your hotel actually has designated parking. Funchal is incredibly hilly, with buildings packed together on steep, narrow roads. Our hotel claimed to have parking, but it turned out to be street parking on a terrifyingly steep incline a few minutes’ walk away.
While Funchal was our base, you don’t have to stay there. We chose it because we wanted to be within stumbling distance of our room after an evening of wine and rum tasting. Our tipsy night time walks home felt like real expeditions, navigating a maze of streets and tackling hills that seemed almost vertical. At one point, I remember dropping to my knees and crawling up a particularly steep hill – I blame the wine, not my fitness level. But don’t worry, Funchal, and Madeira in general, has a great bus network, so renting a car isn’t strictly necessary. Although, I’d still recommend it, personally.
We stayed for seven days, including arrival and departure, but we could have easily extended our trip by a few more days. There were some places we didn’t get to see, and we didn’t really factor in any “down” days. You know, the kind where you actually relax and rest – I hear that’s what people do on holiday.
Funchal’s Charm: Hills, Wine, and a Dash of Quirk
If you love hills, seafood, wine, and getting among endless backstreets that make you feel like you’ve fallen into an alternate fractal universe, then Funchal is your place.
The seafront is dotted with quirky spots, including a delightful rum bar, a sushi joint, and plenty of local cuisine… Have you ever considered pairing fish with bananas? No? Well, the Madeirans have, and trust me, it’s as perplexing as it sounds. Imagine bending over to sniff a delicious looking pastry on a market stall, only to have the scent of fish from the fishmonger next door hit you – a confusing assault on the senses! But fear not, the locals also enjoy other curious dishes, like Limpets; those little pointy buggers that cling to rocks and hurt as much as Lego when you step on them barefoot. Surprisingly, they’re actually quite tasty, though that might be due to the gallons of garlic-butter they’re drenched in.
But enough about strange food! Funchal is rich in colonial architecture, charming green spaces, and, most importantly, historic Madeira wineries. If you haven’t tried Madeira wine, it’s a syrupy-sweet beverage unique to the island. Although downing a couple of glasses of the stuff is a fast track to type-2 diabetes, tastings and tours are available all over the place. You can easily spend an afternoon wandering around, popping into wineries as you please, and if you have to wait for the next available tour, there are plenty of bars and restaurants nearby to keep you entertained in the meantime.
One absolute gem you shouldn’t miss is the ‘Universal Store.’ At first glance, it looks like a run-down tourist trap – and it kind of is. But venture into the cellar, and you’ll discover a treasure trove of random, dusty old wine bottles. I spent the better part of an hour pulling bottles off the shelves, blowing dust off the labels, and trying to decipher what they said. Some of them looked like they belonged on a pirate’s ship!
Beyond Funchal: Adventures In Every Direction
No matter which direction you head, Madeira has something to offer in every corner, all within a two-hour drive. The roads may be winding, hilly, and narrow, with a few spots needing some TLC, but overall, it’s easy to navigate. In just one day, you could find yourself driving through waterfalls, digging holes in volcanic black sand beaches, taking cable cars to remote fishing villages, and even standing on the highest ‘skywalk’ in Europe.
There’s a lot to do in a very compact space, and it’s all pretty manageable. So yes, you’ll likely encounter a fair share of ‘wrinklies’ out and about, but that’s hardly a downside! Honestly, I’m always impressed when a retiree gracefully overtakes me as I’m struggling up a steep hill in the midday heat… It happens more often than I’d like to admit.
We tried all of the above, and I highly recommend each one. The coastal viewpoints are particularly epic! If you’re into magazine-cover-worthy vistas, head to ‘Achadas da Cruz’; it’s breath taking. Just try not to ruin the moment by taking hundreds of near-identical photos in an excited frenzy, only to spend the evening painstakingly sorting through them to free up memory on your phone.
Levada Walks and Epic Hikes
You have to experience at least one Levada walk, if only to marvel at the engineering feat of building irrigation channels over mountains! The 15th-century Portuguese were a persistent lot – I think I would’ve given up and gone back to farm on the abundant flat land in Portugal… Though, Perhaps they did know what they were doing, because the views along these walks are stunning, and most aren’t particularly physically taxing, making them well worth the effort.
If you’re up for something a bit more dramatic, consider hiking to what feels like the end of the world. If you like the sound of that, then the PR8 hike, officially known as Vereda da Ponta de São Lourenço, is an absolute must. By the way, Madeira’s walking routes are conveniently numbered with ‘PR numbers’, which stands for ‘Pequena Rota’, and PR8 is one of the most spectacular. The hike is a bit challenging, but the craggy rocks and sheer drops make it feel like you’re standing on the edge of the world. It somehow seems almost apocalyptic, as if you’re on the final battleground of an epic war somewhere in middle-earth (nerdy Lord of the Rings reference, sorry).
‘Normal’ Ways to Relax in Madeira
I know I’ve talked a lot about driving, heavy drinking, and walking so far, so I feel I should mention a few ways to relax in a more ‘normal’ holiday fashion. As you’d expect, Madeira offers plenty of beaches where you can lounge around, and occasionally stroll lazily to a nearby café for a lemonade top-up. ‘Praia Formosa’ is one such example, though I didn’t last more than half an hour there before I felt the urge to climb a tree or chase a lizard.
Another way I managed to “relax” was by visiting the so-called natural pools. While not entirely natural, since most are formed by man-made concrete dams, they’re still pleasant for a dip and a sun-soaked float. My favourites were the ‘Poço das Lesmas’ pools in Seixal, where I actually managed to stay for a few hours before the itch to explore kicked in again…
Right, that is enough of that.. onto the best bit about madeira!
The Pinnacle of Our Trip: Pico to Pico
At least, I think that’s what it’s called… It’s also known as ‘PR1’ or ‘Vereda do Areeiro’. Whatever the name, it was hands-down the highlight of our trip. It’s a challenging hike—expect to be on your feet for over three hours, and that’s just one way. The trail isn’t a circular route, but more on that later.
The hike takes you between the island’s highest points, starting at the lofty ‘Pico do Areeiro’ (1,817 meters) and winding its way to the even loftier ‘Pico do Ruivo’ (1,862 meters). I know what you’re thinking: “Oi baldie, that’s only a 45-meter climb! I’ve fallen further down the stairs!” True, you don’t gain much net altitude from start to finish, but from what I have read, the total elevation gain on this walk is over a thousand meters. Essentially, you’re going up and down A LOT, including some incredibly steep steps. So steep in fact, that I found myself pondering a rather profound question: ‘How steep can stairs be before they just become a ladder?’
In case you’re wondering, it’s complicated and depends on the depth and height of each step. But there’s a handy rule of thumb: ladders are angled between 60 and 90 degrees from the floor, while standard stairs are between 30 and 50 degrees. But, it gets a bit confusing somewhere in between with ‘steep steps’, which overlap with ladders… I digress, but you’re welcome – every day is a school day!
Just make sure your quads and glutes are in top shape before tackling this hike – it’s a real doozy!
Plan Ahead: Tough Terrain and Rewarding Views
Now, back to the point about the non-circular route… We were woefully unprepared, simply lacing up our boots, grabbing a bottle of Lucozade, and heading out at the crack of dawn! After three hours of hiking, we reached Pico do Ruivo, where a lovely café, some eye-watering views, and some serious calf cramps awaited us. But then came the sudden realisation that we had to walk back the same way we came…
As it turns out, most hikers extend the trek to ‘Achada do Teixeira,’ where you can collapse into a pre-arranged taxi back to your accommodation. So, if you want to avoid our mistake, arrange your taxi in advance. For us, the return hike was quite a slog; at one point, I seriously considered the reality of having to snare us a partridge for dinner to fuel our weary legs! Although I wasn’t sure where I’d have set up a camp to cook it, given that the trail is pretty well contained and defined with handrails, fences, signs, and even tunnels through the mountains – literally.
Which leads me to the most important aspect of this hike – its breath taking and surreal beauty. Every rocky turn reveals a new stunning vista; surreal staircases rising into the clouds, expansive mountain views that make you forget how small Madeira is, and sweeping sea views through layers of mist. I’m aware how that might sound a bit pretentious, but trust me, it really is that good! Make sure to start early enough to catch the sunrise at the first peak, and bring some snacks!
Conclusion: It’s Not Just For Old Folks!
Granted, if you’re after intense nightlife, Ibiza-style beaches, or promenades lined with designer shops, Madeira might not be for you. With that in mind, I can see why some might say Madeira is for old people, but frankly, those people are idiotas (that’s Portuguese for idiots, by the way).
Despite its small size, Madeira packs a punch. It offers world-class hiking, rich culture, fantastic food, vibrant flowers, and, most importantly, endless jaw-dropping views. Except the view that contains the statue of Ronaldo – that is less jaw-dropping, and more jaw-flopping!
I highly recommend renting a car while you’re there, but brace yourself for some serious hill starts! If you manage to keep your clutch intact, you can explore an incredible variety of scenery in a single day. Alternatively, you might enjoy wandering through the towns, to try the quirky cuisine, and keeping an eye out for the island’s omnipresent lizards hiding in every nook and cranny.
Madeira is a brilliant destination: easy to get around, reasonably priced, and certainly not just for old fogies. I loved it, even if it is a bit weird!
Stay bald folks.
Toodles,
Jack
