And so it Begins…
Let me start by saying this: I’ve never considered myself call “cool” or “hip,” and my social skills are entirely correlated to amount of blood in my alcohol. So when Mary-Ann announced that our first stop on this epic adventure would be Bali, I threw all my clothes off, dropped to the floor and had an almighty strop in protest. But, being together for twelve years has taught her to simply wait out my tantrums until I come slinking back, ready to talk properly. She made a solid case; after so many years of saving and working, we needed a little ‘relaxing downtime’… I had a couple more strops just for good measure, but then I caved.
We landed in Bali after an eternity of flights, broken up by a layover in Shanghai. Walking through Balinese customs, sweat-soaked and weighed down with overloaded rucksacks, we were about ready to drop, when a much needed wake-up-slap in the face was delivered to us… A hysterical scream cut through the air, “HELP, THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!” Our necks snapped around in unison, witnessing a scuffle between a tourist and security. It went on for at least five minutes, the whole time the room was silent, full of wide-eyed tourists mouthing the words “what the f**k?!” to each other.
Welcome to Bali!
We planned five days in Bali, split between Seminyak and Uluwatu. Because Seminyak has fewer crowds than Canggu (the party centre), and Uluwatu is supposedly like a quiet slice of paradise.
Pro Tip: Once through the airport, don’t take the overpriced airport taxis. Use the ‘Gojek’ or ‘Grab’ apps instead – the local equivalents of Uber!
Seminyak: First Impression
Straight off the bat, Seminyak showed it’s true colours – a few shades of ‘bright brake light red’. Bumper to bumper M25 style traffic, only with a hell of a lot more fumes, and humidity outside that could rehydrate beef jerky… And this was all at midnight!
Our first Hotel, ‘Gelatik’, was nice; a clean and tidy room with en-suite and a small pool that nobody used except the owners children. Who began vigorously playing in it at about 7:30 every morning, which served as a hugely unwanted alarm for guests. The place had a communal breakfast area, which gave us our first opportunity to get an idea of the human demographics in Bali. It was as if they had all just come off the end of the same production line; fleshy Barbie and Ken dolls, in slightly varied clothing and tattooed to different extents.
After breakfast, we took a short walk to simcard-shop (about fifteen quid for 20Gb for a month), which took no more than an hour. But the journey truly served to confirm that the traffic fumes are completely stifling, and everyone around is obnoxiously attractive. So naturally, I decided before the day could go any further, I had to shave my back.
So, there I was, just a couple of hours into the first day, staring down my goblin-like reflection while Mary-Ann skilfully wielded a disposable razor on my back. I had to keep telling the shiny headed gibbon in the mirror that being successful, tanned, nomadic and attractive was lame. Of course, the true key to greatness is being funny, profound and being able to bench-press a hundred kilos… Somehow, I just couldn’t get him to agree with that notion. But luckily, after witnessing enough tattooed beach bums flexing at the gym and posing in front of their tripods, I would come to see through the “Bali façade.” Although I can admit that somewhere deep down, I respect their hustle – even if it makes me cringe.
Anyway, that’s enough jibber jabber! What did we get up to?
Renting a Moped: A Real Bali Experience
With my freshly shorn dorsal, I was able to re-emerge from our room feeling about half a notch more attractive. The silly thing is, I was about one thousand notches too pale to even contemplate removing my shirt… But that’s ok, thankfully you don’t need to be shirtless to rent a moped, and it only costs about five quid for the day! By the way, you need an international driving permit to drive a moped in Bali, but I am not sure if anyone actually checks!
A moped is infinitely faster than a car in Bali’s traffic, cheaper than Gojek, and in my case, a wonderful challenge for the groin and buttocks – you get rather sore if you aren’t moped hardened. But, just bear in mind that Bali’s traffic laws are more like ‘suggestions.’ You honk your horn nonstop, you overtake by any means necessary, you use sidewalks as an extension to the road, and occasionally you even drive into oncoming traffic! I think half of the craziness is just because people want to get out of the hot exhaust fumes from the ancient diesel engines chugging around. My advice? Just follow the guy in front of you – there is strength in numbers.
First stop – Tanah lot
If you have researched Bali at all, then you’ve seen the pictures online. The ones with the old, ornate Buddhist entrances leading down some steps to an old thatched temple perched on the edge of a cliff, surrounded by vibrant flowers and women in traditional Balinese dress? If you have, some of those pictures were probably of Tanah Lot.
Parking and entry cost about four pounds, and while it was lovely, it felt a bit… underwhelming.
If you haven’t gathered already, Bali is mind-bendingly full of tourists and ‘nomads’, which leads to the most prominent issue with any attraction; the hordes of people. Unless you are willing to wait in line for thirty minutes for the prime ‘Insta spots’, it is all you can do to avoid capturing lovely images of other people’s perfectly curated photoshoots.
Another annoyance I had with it is that they must have hired the same people to take the photos you see online, as estate agents use back home. Picture one of those ‘spacious’ living rooms on Rightmove, that in person, only fits a small IKEA rug, a cockerpoo sized pet and a two person sofa…
The temples are cool enough though, thatched ones were new for me, but they are just a bit bite-sized. They are also in very close proximity to some unexpected shops, including what seemed to be a Ralph Lauren outlet, which altered the ambiance somewhat. But, if you’re lucky, you might catch a traditional ceremony with the ‘plinky-plonky’, gong and flute ensemble that is synonymous with Bali.
With all that said, what the temples lack in stature, they make up for with their setting. Tanah Lot sits dramatically on a cliff’s edge, with an island nearby that you can wade to at low tide. Warning, going over to the island is not worth your time, or the soggy sandals. They try and get you to pay for a ‘blessing’ to climb up the rock, but you quickly discover that the steps to the top are gated off just out of sight! Save yourself the effort and get a better view from the row of cafes on the headland instead. There, for one-pound-fifty, you can buy a coconut larger than a bowling ball from a guy who might just be wearing the world’s dirtiest T-shirt. Trust me, one of these coconuts is basically an entire meal; well over a pint of water inside and fifteen minutes of concerted quarrying to get all the jelly out!
Beach Hopping & Mysterious Grannies
Once your stomachs have processed enough of the giant coconut to consider getting back on the Fury-road, you can head to a couple of beaches a little way down the coast back towards Seminyak: ‘Beach Love’ and ‘Kedungu’. These were completely empty and silent while we were there, disturbed only by two old Balinese ladies who had, for some reason, buried themselves in sand up to their waists and burst into laughter every time we walked by. I have no idea what was happening, but I’ll admit, I felt a little tempted to join them… Maybe there was something in the sand!
You can also swing by the Tipsy Pigs café for some fresh juice. Note – dragon fruit has some definite effects on the gut. Check “the captains log blog” for details if you’re curious.
Lastly, if you want, you can drive back via Canggu, it’s a lot more club and party centric. It’s a bit like what Birmingham’s Broad Street would look like in a dystopian future in which an extraordinary solar event caused the midlands to actually get some sun.
Dinner & The Great “Warung” Hunt
For dinner, you can try the main strip in Seminyak, which is full of restaurants. But, as with many things in Bali, it’s not quite as expected. While we were there, every ‘Warung’ (local food place), was either closed down or obscenely expensive. Well, expensive for Bali, which in this case means a similar prices to what you’d pay for bang-average stuff in the UK. Western food and clubs dominated the main strip and you will probably struggle to find moped parking. So, if you don’t have a specific restaurant in mind, I advise you ask your accommodation staff for a good place to go; they usually know best. Expect to pay about seven quid each for a starter, a main and a drink. Not bad really – that’s a single pint of ale in London!
Exploring Some Hidden ‘Charms’
Our last morning in Seminyak was spent at the beach, which turned out to be more construction site than a beach. But, if you’re hungry and hot, you’ll have to make peace with the serene sounds of cement mixers and JCBs crunching on the breeze. As we wandered back, I spotted a grotty alley begging to be explored… Some stagnant grey water, many piles of decaying crud, and few hundred meters later, the alley opened onto a posh resort street! Which I thought was quite a fitting snapshot of Seminyak; twenty-five percent upmarket paradise, twenty-five percent building site, and fifty percent decaying crud.
But it wasn’t over for us yet – A local in a sunhat suddenly approached us at speed, skipping introduction and instead cheerily declaring, “Don’t worry, I’m not selling anything!” – a glaring red flag if there ever was one.
Unfortunately, Mary-Ann was too polite to keep walking. As it turns out, he was offering us a free prize, but only if we followed him back to his HQ to hear about some suspicious resort membership. It’s apparently a common tourist trap in Bali, and one we wasted far too long wriggling out of. Just smile and wave, and perhaps pretend not to be able to speak English!
Final Verdict on Seminyak
Not exactly my cup of tea… But Bali’s a big place, and up next was Uluwatu. Spoiler alert – it’s a massive improvement.
Uluwatu: “Ahh, that’s better!”
South of Denpasar lies another, very different, chunk of Bali – Uluwatu, an area of the island’s southernmost district. For about a tenner, we took an hour-long Gojek straight to our new accommodation, Ocho Surf Camp. It was incredible value, set in a beautiful location just a twenty-minute, monkey-ridden walk from a rocky stretch of coast, where we found some great tidal pools and watched an epic sunset!
Despite the name, the crowd at Ocho didn’t seem particularly surf-centric… Actually, it was rather peaceful and quiet – a far cry from the chaos of Seminyak! Although, oddly, just across the road, there was a Japanese-Indonesian fusion restaurant with an indoor skate-park next to the kitchen… Which somehow seemed a bit surfer-y to me, I’m not sure why.
It was also here that we received a free dessert for leaving a positive review on Google (they did deserve a good review by the way!) Obviously, I’d never turn down free pudding, even when bribery is afoot. But, I hadn’t expected to have to take screenshots of the review and then wait over an hour for our sweet reward. We ended up eating our fruity pancakes at half past ten at night, and feeling like we were part of a social experiment: “How long will a bald idiot wait for free dessert before he gives up?”
…The answer, embarrassingly, is a very long time.
First Stop: Uluwatu Temple
We rented another moped and made our way to Uluwatu Temple. Entry and parking cost about five pounds, but it is worth it. Compared to Tanah Lot, I found Uluwatu Temple slightly less crowded, and the coastal views were even crazier. While the temple itself still wasn’t anything astonishing, there are loads of amusing monkeys around that provide plenty of entertainment! They had me chuckling regularly, especially when one tried to swipe Mary-Ann’s bag. It was funny, but be alert – apparently they do it a lot and seem to have developed a preference for pricey sunglasses!
Sampling Some More Beaches
After visiting the temple, we continued our grand tour of Uluwatu with a stop at ‘Padang Padang Beach’. It’s famous because Julia Roberts filmed a movie scene there once, as we learned from a French traveller who told Mary-Ann all about it… Suddenly, we just ‘had’ to check it out. Well, while I’m sure it’s a lovely beach, it was hard to appreciate it beneath the vast amount of parasols, people, and loungers carpeting every inch of sand. You can get a decent enough view from the road bridge above, but we opted not to head down – it looked like carnage.
Fortunately, nearby ‘Impossibles Beach’ is a fantastic alternative. I’d read about it in Lonely Planet, and it didn’t disappoint. It was nearly empty, just as nice as Padang Padang, and amazingly, free to access! You don’t get any bars or cafes there though, but you do get something much better… A fantastic, lone old lady camped out on the beach, who chops a mean coconut!
A Blimmin’ Enormous Statue
Next, we went to check out a gigantic statue, known as ‘Garuda Wisnu Kencana’ – seriously, it’s HUGE. We’d actually spotted it from Seminyak and wondered, “What is that amorphous thing protruding from the horizon?” A quick Google search revealed that Bali claims to have the fourth tallest statue in the world, standing at 121 meters! It’s situated in an unusual kind of national park with a handful of other statues and attractions, including a slightly eerie art exhibit. Entry costs around ten pounds per person, but it’s just about worth it to experience the absolutely mahoosive structure up close.
Quick side note – If you go to see the statue, don’t miss the ‘Boba Ice Cream’, from a place called ‘Mixue’! They mix those weird little jelly balls you get in bubble tea, into Mr. Whippy style ice cream and it’s frickin’ amazing!
You’ll Want a Nose Peg For This Part
You don’t have to be staying in Uluwatu to visit Jimboran, but it’s only a thirty minute ride by moped. It’s a stinky place, even for a fish market, which is because this one is amplified by the inescapable tropical heat and humidity. Alongside the nostril-singeing stench, utter chaos hangs in the air: a constant stream of incomprehensible shouting echoes across the harbour, barrels of sludge are being hauled precariously on and off undersized boats, and there’s an unbelievable variety of seafood on display at every turn.
It’s not usually like me to venture to a place like this with any plans to actually eat anything there. Partly because I feel the guilt of seeing such an array of dead marine life on display, but mostly, it’s because of my puny English constitution – I don’t have the best track record with adventurous or questionable foods… However, I’d read that at Jimboran, you can buy your seafood directly from the market, then take it to a nearby restaurant where they’ll cook it up for a fraction of the price of a regular meal. While this is true, be prepared to pay ‘tourist prices’ for your prawns and squid – the market vendors see you coming from a mile away! So in the end, I don’t think the overall savings are huge – but it’s a lot more fun!
By This Point, You’ll Need to Refuel Your Moped!
Another place within reach of Uluwatu is ‘Nusa Dua’, which boasts a temple and a beach! But, as is often the case in Bali, it wasn’t quite what we expected. Like the massive statue, it’s a part of a managed park-area-thing with a small entry fee. The place is filled with hotels, resorts, restaurants, and a handful of puzzled tourists wandering around, trying to figure out why they came. The beach itself was not that busy while we were there, but that may be because it isn’t particularly remarkable… Nor is the temple or any of the other bits there to be honest. But, if you are at a loose end, it’s a pleasant enough place to wander around and perhaps stop at café.
Finish Up At Land’s End
The absolute southernmost part of Bali is a stretch of land near ‘Melasti Beach’, which we visited because we’d heard it was a great place for sunset views and a spot of dinner. As usual, there’s a small entry fee to get in. That’s ok though, because the drive down to the coast has some pretty cool religious monuments set into the cliffside.
Once you arrive at the beach, you’ll find it has been taken over by clubs and bars. While they look impressive and well-established, we steered well clear because they’re not really our scene… Put it this way, the strip reminded me of a British high street on a Friday evening, with scantily clad females drunkenly taking selfies, milling around near the club entrances and having loud slurred phone calls to someone equally as drunk…
It is not all bad though, we ended up at a place called ‘Magus Warung’, which was excellent and checked all the boxes for a great meal with a sunset view.
Final Verdict on Uluwatu
While enjoying dinner under the stars amidst the sounds of chirping geckos, an overhead power line arcing disconcertingly, and the distant flabby farting sounds of near-dead diesel trucks, I realized that I’m no longer in my twenties. The marathon of flights, Shanghai, and Seminyak had worn me out! If this six-month journey was going to last, I’d need to pace myself… and perhaps ensure that I make time to catch up on stuff like ‘The Great British Bake-Off!’ So I think slower paced, more chilled out places with less chaos are in order – Uluwatu is much more like that than Seminyak. It’s also prettier, cleaner and has far less traffic – I definitely preferred it.
The Bali Conclusion So Far…
I don’t love it… yet. But, Bali is a definitely fantastic place to blend Western creature comforts with a tropical lifestyle, all set in a world with fewer laws and plenty of sunshine. It makes sense why so many people flock here in droves. If I were a go-getter with a brilliant business idea, I might even consider making the move myself! However, as a tourist, I can’t say it’s my favourite destination so far.
That said, we will return to Bali; there’s still so much more to explore, like Ubud and the northern part of the island. But for now, it’s off to the Togean Islands!
Stay bald folks.
Toodles,
Jack.
